Memories
by mcflyPARtYGiRL
Summary: Jack remembers...    WARNING : spoilers for seasons 1-3  just to be safe     rated T but may change  if you think it should send me a line
1. Chapter 1

Jack stood in front of the apartment building he'd come to so often to try and live a 'normal' life outside of Torchwood. He looked up to the grey skies above him then stepped inside and walked up the several flights of stairs to get to that one apartment he knew as 'home'. He placed his hand on the door handle, wishing that it would be open, but he knew that it was locked, so he lifted the door mat and opened the small, secret compartment underneath it and took the silver key. Slowly he unlocked the door and stepped inside. Nothing had changed, not that he had expected it to. He kicked off his shoes because for some odd reason he always did, maybe it was because everything looked to nice and he didn't want to mess anything up, even the carpet. He walked out of the small foyer and looked to his left.

The cushions on the couch were fluffed and neatly placed in each corner. On the coffee table was a paper that Jack knew was weeks old and next to it were the two remote controls for the television and DVD player. To his right was the small dining room table, made of a dark oak table with two matching chairs. He looked across the breakfast bar into the kitchen, everything still sitting where it had the last time he was here. Taking a breath he walked down the hallway and opened the first door to his left, the bathroom. He stepped across the hallway and to the door on his right. He remembered sleeping in this bedroom, the double bed which took up most of the room, along side it was two matching pine bed side tables, and in the corner a matching dresser. It was the first night he ever stayed over and not wanting to push things to quickly he argued until he was allowed. He stepped out and braced himself. Walking into the bedroom at the end of the hallway his mind was flooded with memories. He walked to the double bed and sat on the edge. He lay back and pulled one of the pillows close. That sweet scent was still there, still as strong as ever. So many memories, but that was all they were memories and he would keep his promise, even in a thousand years time he would still remember.


	2. TV and Choc Mint Ice Cream

Jack thought that the show on TV was ridiculous and there was no way he was going to laugh. Yet here was Ianto, laughing loudly and he felt a smile creeping upon his face. He swiped the tub of choc mint ice cream from Ianto's hands and took a spoonful. Ianto turned and stared at him as if he were a child and just had his lolly stolen.

"What?" Jack asked, taking another spoonful.

"I was eating that...Get your own tub, you said you didn't want any," Ianto said in his thick Welsh accent.

"You were laughing," Jack pointed out.

"Yeah well..." Ianto's argument was stopped as Jack pushed a spoonful of the melting ice cream into his mouth. Ianto could feel a drop of melted ice cream about to drip off his lip but before he could get it Jack had already licked it away. Ianto grinned and leaned closer, as if to kiss Jack, then suddenly grabbed the ice cream and scooted to the other end of the couch.

"Hey," Jack said in protest.

"Don't mess with me and my ice cream," Ianto said then turned back to the TV. Jack sat there staring at Ianto for a long time. He noted everything about this Welsh man, everything was perfect and giving in to the impulse he leaned across and ran his fingers along that perfect jaw line.

"You are so beautiful," Jack smiled as he pulled Ianto into his chest. Even in the dim light he saw the blush creep upon his cheeks. Ianto leaned forward and put the ice cream on the coffee table, flicked the TV off, then moved back into Jack's embrace. Ianto smiled as he rested his head on Jack's chest and listened to the steady beat of his heart. For a moment he remembered a long time ago when he used to hold Lisa like Jack was holding him, but then he brushed that memory away. He could definitely get used to this.


	3. Desert In The Kitchen

Jack walked through the door of the apartment. It was verging on seven o'clock and he promised Ianto he would be home at six thirty, if not earlier. He stepped from the small foyer to see Ianto in the kitchen, washing up. He stepped in and wrapped his arms around the Welshman's waist.

"You're late," Ianto said, not turning to face Jack like he usually did.

"I know...I got caught up," Jack said, kissing Ianto's neck in apology. Ianto continued to was the dishes as Jack tried to apologise with kisses.

"Dinner's in the oven," Ianto said dryly and let the dish water out. He dried his hands on the hand towel and went to leave the kitchen when Jack grabbed his hand and pulled him back.

"Don't be angry with me," Jack said, his eyes pleading.

"I'm not...I just..." Ianto stopped as Jack ran his hands along his arms. Jack pulled Ianto closer and kissed him. It was a tender kiss to begin with, full of love, then as if a switch was flicked Ianto heated up the kiss, making it passionate, full of lust. He pulled away for a moment, catching his breath. "You're forgiven," and then he was kissing Jack again, tearing at his clothes, not caring if he ripped anything he just wanted to feel Jack's bare skin. He slipped his hands under Jack's shirt, rubbing his hands everywhere. Jack played along for a little while before he pulled away. He reached out and took Ianto's tie, rubbed the material through his fingers, the whole time Ianto watched in silence. Then Jack threw the tie around the back of Ianto's neck and pulled him close and started another heated kiss, items of clothing were been discarded carelessly.

Afterwards Ianto slid off the bench top and gathered his clothing. He turned around to see Jack leaning against the bench watching him.

"I'll never look at this kitchen the same," Ianto grinned and walked away.

_Neither will I._ Thought Jack as he pulled his dinner from the oven. Life was good, eating desert before dinner.


	4. Goldfish

"What are you doing in there?" Ianto asked, knocking on the bathroom door.

"Nothing..." Jack's voice trailed from behind the door.

"Hurry up! I've gotta pee!" Ianto whined. There was some rustling then the toilet flush and Jack walked out. Ianto ran in. "What the hell?" Ianto came back out.

"What?' Jack asked.

"Why is my goldfish in the toilet?" Ianto asked. Jack's eyes went wide and he ran in, sure enough the goldfish was floating in the toilet bowl.

"Well, ha, funny story that...You see..." Jack slowly stepped away from Ianto. "This morning I was trying to kill a few flies that had gotten in, and ahh...One landed on the fish bowl so I sprayed it..."

"You killed my fish with fly spray?" Ianto asked, folding his arms across his chest.

"I didn't mean it," Jack said in his defence.

"Do you know what that goldfish meant to me?" Ianto asked, biting his bottom lip.

"Yes...Ianto, I am so sorry...Look, we'll go down to the pet store and buy a new one, or a couple if you want...You can get any one you want..." Jack said. Ianto turned away to face the wall. "I'm sorry, please don't cry," Ianto's shoulders started to shake, Jack was about to reach out to comfort him when Ianto spun around and burst into laughter.

"You...should have...seen...your...face..." Ianto said through the laughter.

"You!" Jack gasped and grabbed Ianto by the waist.

"I'll buy you a new one..." Ianto mocked. "Jack, it was a goldfish,"

"Yeah but...I was been caring..." Jack said.

"I know...Just make sure you don't kill the cat," Ianto smiled.

"You have a cat?" Jack asked, confused.

"No," Ianto laughed. "Now...I'm going to pee,"

"I'm going to buy you another goldfish," Jack said. Ianto walked back into the bathroom, not taking Jack seriously. Then he heard Jack leave the apartment and laughed to himself. Jack would always amaze him.


	5. Guest Room

It was the first time Jack was staying at Ianto's for the night. Ianto had insisted on him staying instead of leaving like he did every other night. So he agreed but only if he 'slept' in the guest room. Ianto had said that his bed was big enough for both of them, but Jack had stubbornly said he was using the guest room. For the moment that was good enough for Ianto. He didn't know what the time was but he knew it was late. He stood from the couch.

"I'm gonna go to bed," he said, looking down at Jack. "There's plenty of room in my bed,"

"Ianto...I'm sleeping in the guest room," Jack said standing up.

"Fine," Ianto sighed. Jack pulled him in for a kiss then watched him walk off in silence. Jack went into the guest bedroom and lay down on the soft mattress. He stared up at the roof for a long time then turned and looked out the window. The stars were shining brightly tonight. He heard the door open a fraction but he didn't turn his head, he knew it was Ianto. Then the mattress dipped as Ianto crawled in next to Jack.

"You said that we couldn't sleep together in my bed...You said nothing about sleeping together in this bed," Ianto grinned. Jack chuckled then kissed Ianto.


	6. Their Bedroom

There was an awe struck look on Ianto's face, his breathing was heavy, his hands still clutching Jacks biceps. Jack bent down and placed a gentle kiss on Ianto's lips.

"Wow," Ianto breathed.

"Yeah, you were pretty amazing," Jack laughed as he lay down next to Ianto and pulled the covers over them. "Are you sure you haven't done it before?"

"Positive," Ianto said, rolling over to cuddle into Jack's chest. Jack smiled and wrapped his arms around Ianto's body. Their naked body's moulded together. Silence drifted around them, but it was the kind of silence where a thousand things were been said just through the touch of each other. Jack rubbed his thumb in circles on Ianto's arm. There were three words emerging from his heart that he wanted to say but every time the surfaced he swallowed them and hoped that one day he would be able to speak them. Soon Ianto's breathing was steady and even. Jack took this as a sign that Ianto was sleeping.

"I love you," he whispered. "Even though I might not say it, I do...I really do,"

_I know you do..._ Ianto thought. He kept his eyes closed, kept pretending to be asleep. He knew that one day, and one day soon, Jack would be able to say it to his face, but for now he was going to settle for just hearing those words because he knew it was so hard for Jack to admit his love. Sex was the easy part, but love, now that was something massive for a man like Jack.

It wouldn't be long before Jack started calling Ianto's bedroom _their _bedroom. And it was in their bedroom that he would step up behind Ianto, wrap his arms around the Welshman's waist and tell him that he loved him. It was where they made love after having a romantic dinner and seeing a movie. It was where they would cuddle after a long, hard day, the place where they would make up after they had screamed at each other because both men were in bad moods from working late.


	7. Tears

Jack smiled as the memories from each room flooded back. He had promised Ianto during his dying moments that he would remember, even in a thousand years time, and he would. He would never break a promise to the man he loved, the man that made him cheese toasties when he was feeling down, the man that made him laugh when no one else could, the man that understood him. If he could relive those memories, even just for a short time he would do anything to because he missed the warm touch of Ianto's hands, he missed the kisses, the smiles, the hugs, the star struck look in those eyes.

He thought it was bad enough when Estelle had been killed by those disgusting creatures labelled fairies, but this, loosing Ianto, it was crippling him. Everyday the pain got worse, it kept constricting him, kept pushing too much weight down on his heart and every day he wished he was able to die. He'd tried, hell he had tried so hard to end his life but every time he came round he would shake his head and slam his fist on a wall, the floor, anything that was near, even an alien. Every time he would come back all he could think of was the first case Gwen had ever seen, when John Tucker had said that it was black, there was nothing there, alone and cold. Those moments he hoped, prayed that if there was a God out there then he would take mercy on Ianto and send him to a place where he would be happy, where he wouldn't be alone and cold.

Jack sat on the cushioned chair in the corner of the bedroom and bit his bottom lip. Tear pricked his eyes, he gripped the arm rests with such a force he thought he may just break them. Then for the first time since he had lost Ianto, he cried. He let the hot tears fall down his cheeks, he bought his hands to his face and sobbed. He cried for Ianto, he cried for Ianto's family, for his friends, he cried because he couldn't die, he cried because the memories were just another reminder that he was going to be alone, he cried for himself. At this point all he wanted was Ianto to wrap his arms around him, to hold him close and tell him it would be ok. But Jack knew it wouldn't be ok, not now, because he had lost the on thing that had kept him going, the one thing that had made him stop and think before he killed someone, then there were more tears. Tears for his daughter, for his grandson that he had killed. They say life gets worse before it gets better, but for Jack, he knew that life had gotten to it's worst and that it would never get better. He'd lost too many people he loved and the pain was too much to cope with. Tears ran down his face.


End file.
